Saturday, July 25, 2009
Especially if your spouse has left you, or you're on the brink of divorce.
So why did you get married in the first place?
What attracted you to your spouse? What were thoise little things about him or her that made you all giddy, and kept you from sleeping at night? What was it about that person that made you so irritatingly happy that your friends stopped answering your phone calls?
Here's the thing - those things are still there. Life has gotten in the way - it always does - but that doesn't change the fundamental things that brought you and your spouse together.
Couples on the brink of divorce often say, "We're just not the same people we were when we met." Sure, everybody changes... but nobody becomes a completely different person.
Remembering the cute, thoughtful, wonderful things that you found so amazing when you met your spouse helps you get back to the core of your relationship - the reasons you got married to begin with. And while it's easy to lament the ways in which you and your spouse changed, it's much better to see those changes for what they are - a natural part of life.
No couple escapes change. Jobs, finances, children, aging parents, illness... all of these things (and many more) are instruments of change. But by getting back to the core of your relationship, it's not hard to see how the two of you can adapt to changing circumstances. You'll probably even find that the two of you haven't grown apart as much as you thought.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
It happens to all of us. There comes a point when we wake up and realize all the problems marriage has, and see that it doesn't hold a candle to the "dream marriage" we thought we'd enjoy for the rest of our lives. We become disillusioned... and often, we wonder if it's even worth staying married any longer.
That's one of the biggest problems with marriage - we don't understand that, over time, things change. Take my friend Jill and her husband Clint, for example. Now, I've known both of these fine people for over a decade - I even took pictures for their wedding - and I can tell you they're some of the nicest people I've ever met. And when they first fell in love, you'd think these two were a match made in heaven. Jill called Clint her "Prince Charming", and Clint worshipped the ground Jill walked on.
Ten years later, Jill and Clint were on the brink of divorce. It wasn't that either of them had become radically different people, but the problems marriage threw their way had torn them apart. They had a son with autism; Clint lost his job at the auto dealership; Jill's mom was diagnosed with cancer. Over time, they just became too exhausted to be affectionate towards one another, and their marriage suffered greatly.
You might be able to relate. Take a look at your own marriage - is it really that you don't love each other, or has life gotten in the way? I'd say that, if you've found this site, you're probably looking for ways to make your marriage work... and that's a great first step. Saving a marriage takes time, commitment, and work - but you and your spouse didn't get to where you are overnight, so don't expect the problems marriage has brought to be fixed overnight either.
The important thing is, it can be done - and I've seen many couples end up closer than ever after working through their problems. But what if you're the only one who is willing to work on the problems marriage has brought you and your spouse? When Clint first told me his marriage was in real trouble, Jill had given up - she wasn't even willing to discuss the issues that were plaguing her and Clint.
Looking back, I think she was just too tired and too fed up to even think about fixing anything... and I'm sure part of her felt like saving the marriage was beyond hope. Anyway, I told Clint about my "ace in the hole" for troubled marriages. It's a course called Save the Marriage by Dr. Lee Baucom. This course has saved more marriages than I could count (including my own)... including marriages where one spouse had simply given up.
Clint was hesitant about getting Save the Marriage, because he and Jill had spent thousands of dollars on couples retreats, marriage counseling, and other things that just didn't work. I could certainly understand where Clint was coming from, but here's the thing - the course is about the cost of a dinner out, and it has a far better success rate than counseling, retreats, etc.
In Clint's case, he started using the techniques he found in the course materials, and within a week, he and Jill were back on speaking terms. A month later, they had booked a Mediterranian cruise together. I won't say things are perfect for them yet, but they're far better off than they were when Clint called me that day. If they keep working at it and using the course together, I'm confident they'll be able to deal with any problems marriage throws their way... and they'll both be able to be their for their son, too.
If you're worried about your relationship, I'd highly recommend that you get Save the Marriage. I've seen it help many couples, and I'd love to see it help yours, too! Just do me a favor, okay? Leave me a comment telling me how the course worked out for you - I love hearing success stories of couples that have renewed their commitments and overcome their challenges!
If you and your spouse are dealing with an affair, both of you are undoubtedly dealing with a mixture of guilt, blame, anger, sadness, and despair. It's pretty overwhelming... especially since you're probably dealing with other marital problems on top of the affair -otherwise, the affair likely would never have happened in the first place!
Even worse, you have to try to make a rational decision about whether your marriage is worth surviving infedelity at all! I mean, both you and your spouse are undoubtedly wondering if things can ever be the same again. In my years of experience, I've found that any marriage can be saved, no matter what happened or how bad things have gotten. You just have to have the right tools and knowledge to make it happen. That said, I will tell you that you're going to have a much easier time of it if your spouse:
- admitted the affair to you voluntarily, instead of just waiting for you to find out on your own (or worse, trying to hide it from you).
- gave you the details of the affair in an open and honest manner.
- feels remorse for his or her infedelity.
- has ended the affair, and has agreed to cut off all communication with the "other person".
honestly wants to work with you to restore your marriage.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
For most of us, this is no easy task. After all, if your spouse has cheated on you, you're probably lying awake at night, going back and forth between blaming your spouse, and wondering what you could have done to prevent the affair in the first place.
One of the most important things to remember is that affairs do not usually happen solely because of the actions (or inactions) of just one spouse. There was likely a long standing problem in your marriage that led to the infidelity, and in most cases, both spouses are to blame.
Understanding this can help you release the emotions associated with infidelity. Since both spouses contributed to the problem, each person must bear responsibility for his or her own actions. When you understand that putting a marriage back together after an affair is a joint responsibility, it becomes much easier to let go of anger, blame, and frustration.
The focus moves away from who was right and who was wrong, and toward developing a solution for building a stronger, more trusting marriage.
If you are mired in the emotions that come with coping with infidelity, set aside a short period of time - even a half hour will do in the beginning - to discuss the problems that led to the affair. You will find that both of you contributed to the problems... and since there are opportunities for both of you to change, the negative emotions surrounding the situation will become much less intense.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
In my ebook, you will learn the 7 surest signs of infidelity... as well as how to pick up on these signs, and how to approach your spouse about the affair.
If you're already suspecting that your marriage will soon be surviving infidelity... please don't do anything until you download and read this ebook. I'm sorry you'll have to wait a few more days for it... but I promise this one will be worth the wait. I'm going to give you the information you need to not only expose the affair, but do it in a way that will make your spouse want to end the affair and build a stronger, happier marriage with you.
Please bookmark this site, and stop back by on May 18 to download "7 Signs of Infidelity". Your marriage is worth waiting just a bit longer!
Monday, May 11, 2009
Many times, spouses who are coping with infidelity focus on attempting to make the marriage just as it was before the affair. They start thinking about how life was before the infidelity occurred –for most couples, life then was simpler, and marriage was much more pleasant.
Unfortunately, your marriage can’t ever be the same as it was. It’s just not possible to put things back the way they once were… and acting like the affair just never happened is out of the question. The spectre of infidelity is always going to hang over your old life together, and will taint every attempt you make to restore things to their previous condition, so to speak.
So can there really be such a thing as a happy marriage after infidelity? Yes! However, you will have to think in terms of redefining your marriage, instead of restoring it. Essentially, the two of you will be starting over.
The best way to cope with infidelity is to treat the relationship as if the two of you had just gotten married. You will be getting to know each other all over again. You’re building a second phase of your marriage!
It sounds strange, but it works. Not only that, it can lead to a marriage that is happier than ever before. With the “fresh start” approach, you’ll find out things about your spouse that you never knew, and vice versa. You’ll probably even find out a few things about yourself along the way.
If you’re in a marriage struggling with surviving infidelity, don’t give up hope. You can start over and you can build a new life together. You just need the motivation and the tools to succeed. You’ll have to supply the motivation, but there is a resource that can give you a step by step plan – it’s called Save the Marriage, and it’s helped thousands of couples just like you who are navigating marriage after infidelity.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
On top of all the other issues that come with coping with infidelity, you have to decide if your marriage is even worth saving. Can your marriage be saved? Affairs cause more divorces than just about any other issue, so it's pretty easy to become cynical and think that your marriage is beyond repair.
Truth be told, any marriage can make it through an affair, but it will be a lot easier if you can honestly say these things about your spouse:
- Your spouse told you about the affair voluntarily, instead of you finding out about it yourself.
- Your spouse was honest with you about the details of the affair.
- Your spouse is truly sorry that he or she had the affair.
- Your spouse has agreed to end the affair, or has already ended it.
- Your spouse has agreed to work with you to rebuild your relationship.
Even if all of these things are true, coping with infidelity without relationship help will be quite difficult. One of the most highly rated resources is a course called Save the Marriage - it's helped thousands of couples restore their messages without counseling, couples retreats, or other expensive and time consuming commitments.