It sounds like an odd question, to be sure. But it you're dealing with problems in your marriage, such as coping with infidelity or just failing to understand each other anymore, it's a very important question.
Especially if your spouse has left you, or you're on the brink of divorce.
So why did you get married in the first place?
What attracted you to your spouse? What were thoise little things about him or her that made you all giddy, and kept you from sleeping at night? What was it about that person that made you so irritatingly happy that your friends stopped answering your phone calls?
Here's the thing - those things are still there. Life has gotten in the way - it always does - but that doesn't change the fundamental things that brought you and your spouse together.
Couples on the brink of divorce often say, "We're just not the same people we were when we met." Sure, everybody changes... but nobody becomes a completely different person.
Remembering the cute, thoughtful, wonderful things that you found so amazing when you met your spouse helps you get back to the core of your relationship - the reasons you got married to begin with. And while it's easy to lament the ways in which you and your spouse changed, it's much better to see those changes for what they are - a natural part of life.
No couple escapes change. Jobs, finances, children, aging parents, illness... all of these things (and many more) are instruments of change. But by getting back to the core of your relationship, it's not hard to see how the two of you can adapt to changing circumstances. You'll probably even find that the two of you haven't grown apart as much as you thought.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Working Through the Problems Marriage Brings
When you said "I do", you were probably only thinking about the good things that come along with marriage - the joy of having children, exotic vacations... the list goes on. Over time, though, you began to realize the problems marriage can bring, and your ideal world became... well, not so ideal.
It happens to all of us. There comes a point when we wake up and realize all the problems marriage has, and see that it doesn't hold a candle to the "dream marriage" we thought we'd enjoy for the rest of our lives. We become disillusioned... and often, we wonder if it's even worth staying married any longer.
That's one of the biggest problems with marriage - we don't understand that, over time, things change. Take my friend Jill and her husband Clint, for example. Now, I've known both of these fine people for over a decade - I even took pictures for their wedding - and I can tell you they're some of the nicest people I've ever met. And when they first fell in love, you'd think these two were a match made in heaven. Jill called Clint her "Prince Charming", and Clint worshipped the ground Jill walked on.
Ten years later, Jill and Clint were on the brink of divorce. It wasn't that either of them had become radically different people, but the problems marriage threw their way had torn them apart. They had a son with autism; Clint lost his job at the auto dealership; Jill's mom was diagnosed with cancer. Over time, they just became too exhausted to be affectionate towards one another, and their marriage suffered greatly.
You might be able to relate. Take a look at your own marriage - is it really that you don't love each other, or has life gotten in the way? I'd say that, if you've found this site, you're probably looking for ways to make your marriage work... and that's a great first step. Saving a marriage takes time, commitment, and work - but you and your spouse didn't get to where you are overnight, so don't expect the problems marriage has brought to be fixed overnight either.
The important thing is, it can be done - and I've seen many couples end up closer than ever after working through their problems. But what if you're the only one who is willing to work on the problems marriage has brought you and your spouse? When Clint first told me his marriage was in real trouble, Jill had given up - she wasn't even willing to discuss the issues that were plaguing her and Clint.
Looking back, I think she was just too tired and too fed up to even think about fixing anything... and I'm sure part of her felt like saving the marriage was beyond hope. Anyway, I told Clint about my "ace in the hole" for troubled marriages. It's a course called Save the Marriage by Dr. Lee Baucom. This course has saved more marriages than I could count (including my own)... including marriages where one spouse had simply given up.
Clint was hesitant about getting Save the Marriage, because he and Jill had spent thousands of dollars on couples retreats, marriage counseling, and other things that just didn't work. I could certainly understand where Clint was coming from, but here's the thing - the course is about the cost of a dinner out, and it has a far better success rate than counseling, retreats, etc.
In Clint's case, he started using the techniques he found in the course materials, and within a week, he and Jill were back on speaking terms. A month later, they had booked a Mediterranian cruise together. I won't say things are perfect for them yet, but they're far better off than they were when Clint called me that day. If they keep working at it and using the course together, I'm confident they'll be able to deal with any problems marriage throws their way... and they'll both be able to be their for their son, too.
If you're worried about your relationship, I'd highly recommend that you get Save the Marriage. I've seen it help many couples, and I'd love to see it help yours, too! Just do me a favor, okay? Leave me a comment telling me how the course worked out for you - I love hearing success stories of couples that have renewed their commitments and overcome their challenges!
It happens to all of us. There comes a point when we wake up and realize all the problems marriage has, and see that it doesn't hold a candle to the "dream marriage" we thought we'd enjoy for the rest of our lives. We become disillusioned... and often, we wonder if it's even worth staying married any longer.
That's one of the biggest problems with marriage - we don't understand that, over time, things change. Take my friend Jill and her husband Clint, for example. Now, I've known both of these fine people for over a decade - I even took pictures for their wedding - and I can tell you they're some of the nicest people I've ever met. And when they first fell in love, you'd think these two were a match made in heaven. Jill called Clint her "Prince Charming", and Clint worshipped the ground Jill walked on.
Ten years later, Jill and Clint were on the brink of divorce. It wasn't that either of them had become radically different people, but the problems marriage threw their way had torn them apart. They had a son with autism; Clint lost his job at the auto dealership; Jill's mom was diagnosed with cancer. Over time, they just became too exhausted to be affectionate towards one another, and their marriage suffered greatly.
You might be able to relate. Take a look at your own marriage - is it really that you don't love each other, or has life gotten in the way? I'd say that, if you've found this site, you're probably looking for ways to make your marriage work... and that's a great first step. Saving a marriage takes time, commitment, and work - but you and your spouse didn't get to where you are overnight, so don't expect the problems marriage has brought to be fixed overnight either.
The important thing is, it can be done - and I've seen many couples end up closer than ever after working through their problems. But what if you're the only one who is willing to work on the problems marriage has brought you and your spouse? When Clint first told me his marriage was in real trouble, Jill had given up - she wasn't even willing to discuss the issues that were plaguing her and Clint.
Looking back, I think she was just too tired and too fed up to even think about fixing anything... and I'm sure part of her felt like saving the marriage was beyond hope. Anyway, I told Clint about my "ace in the hole" for troubled marriages. It's a course called Save the Marriage by Dr. Lee Baucom. This course has saved more marriages than I could count (including my own)... including marriages where one spouse had simply given up.
Clint was hesitant about getting Save the Marriage, because he and Jill had spent thousands of dollars on couples retreats, marriage counseling, and other things that just didn't work. I could certainly understand where Clint was coming from, but here's the thing - the course is about the cost of a dinner out, and it has a far better success rate than counseling, retreats, etc.
In Clint's case, he started using the techniques he found in the course materials, and within a week, he and Jill were back on speaking terms. A month later, they had booked a Mediterranian cruise together. I won't say things are perfect for them yet, but they're far better off than they were when Clint called me that day. If they keep working at it and using the course together, I'm confident they'll be able to deal with any problems marriage throws their way... and they'll both be able to be their for their son, too.
If you're worried about your relationship, I'd highly recommend that you get Save the Marriage. I've seen it help many couples, and I'd love to see it help yours, too! Just do me a favor, okay? Leave me a comment telling me how the course worked out for you - I love hearing success stories of couples that have renewed their commitments and overcome their challenges!
Surviving Infedelity - Can You Save Your Marriage?
There are many problems marriage can endure, but it's often very hard for a couple to make it through an affair. Surviving infedelity can feel impossible! Small wonder, really, when you think about the maelstrom of emotions that an affair stirs up - not just for the betrayed spouse, but for the cheating spouse too.
If you and your spouse are dealing with an affair, both of you are undoubtedly dealing with a mixture of guilt, blame, anger, sadness, and despair. It's pretty overwhelming... especially since you're probably dealing with other marital problems on top of the affair -otherwise, the affair likely would never have happened in the first place!
Even worse, you have to try to make a rational decision about whether your marriage is worth surviving infedelity at all! I mean, both you and your spouse are undoubtedly wondering if things can ever be the same again. In my years of experience, I've found that any marriage can be saved, no matter what happened or how bad things have gotten. You just have to have the right tools and knowledge to make it happen. That said, I will tell you that you're going to have a much easier time of it if your spouse:
If you and your spouse are dealing with an affair, both of you are undoubtedly dealing with a mixture of guilt, blame, anger, sadness, and despair. It's pretty overwhelming... especially since you're probably dealing with other marital problems on top of the affair -otherwise, the affair likely would never have happened in the first place!
Even worse, you have to try to make a rational decision about whether your marriage is worth surviving infedelity at all! I mean, both you and your spouse are undoubtedly wondering if things can ever be the same again. In my years of experience, I've found that any marriage can be saved, no matter what happened or how bad things have gotten. You just have to have the right tools and knowledge to make it happen. That said, I will tell you that you're going to have a much easier time of it if your spouse:
- admitted the affair to you voluntarily, instead of just waiting for you to find out on your own (or worse, trying to hide it from you).
- gave you the details of the affair in an open and honest manner.
- feels remorse for his or her infedelity.
- has ended the affair, and has agreed to cut off all communication with the "other person".
honestly wants to work with you to restore your marriage.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Dealing with the Emotions of Infidelity
Coping with infidelity is difficult enough from a relationship standpoint - both you and your cheating spouse have to be willing to face what happened, and to work out a mutually agreeable strategy for ending the affair an rebuilding the relationship.On top of that, though, you have to learn how to cope with the intense emotions that come with betrayal.
For most of us, this is no easy task. After all, if your spouse has cheated on you, you're probably lying awake at night, going back and forth between blaming your spouse, and wondering what you could have done to prevent the affair in the first place.
One of the most important things to remember is that affairs do not usually happen solely because of the actions (or inactions) of just one spouse. There was likely a long standing problem in your marriage that led to the infidelity, and in most cases, both spouses are to blame.
Understanding this can help you release the emotions associated with infidelity. Since both spouses contributed to the problem, each person must bear responsibility for his or her own actions. When you understand that putting a marriage back together after an affair is a joint responsibility, it becomes much easier to let go of anger, blame, and frustration.
The focus moves away from who was right and who was wrong, and toward developing a solution for building a stronger, more trusting marriage.
If you are mired in the emotions that come with coping with infidelity, set aside a short period of time - even a half hour will do in the beginning - to discuss the problems that led to the affair. You will find that both of you contributed to the problems... and since there are opportunities for both of you to change, the negative emotions surrounding the situation will become much less intense.
For most of us, this is no easy task. After all, if your spouse has cheated on you, you're probably lying awake at night, going back and forth between blaming your spouse, and wondering what you could have done to prevent the affair in the first place.
One of the most important things to remember is that affairs do not usually happen solely because of the actions (or inactions) of just one spouse. There was likely a long standing problem in your marriage that led to the infidelity, and in most cases, both spouses are to blame.
Understanding this can help you release the emotions associated with infidelity. Since both spouses contributed to the problem, each person must bear responsibility for his or her own actions. When you understand that putting a marriage back together after an affair is a joint responsibility, it becomes much easier to let go of anger, blame, and frustration.
The focus moves away from who was right and who was wrong, and toward developing a solution for building a stronger, more trusting marriage.
If you are mired in the emotions that come with coping with infidelity, set aside a short period of time - even a half hour will do in the beginning - to discuss the problems that led to the affair. You will find that both of you contributed to the problems... and since there are opportunities for both of you to change, the negative emotions surrounding the situation will become much less intense.
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